Warning Labels

A couple of weeks ago I was helping a friend and her husband set up their brand new grill on their deck.

This couple are food freaks like me but, unlike me, they actually know how to operate a grill without setting fire to small grassy knolls or one's entire porch.

So as we were loading this monster, six burner, double propane tanked, 300lb stainless steel beauty onto their deck, I spied a curious warning label plastered to the grill.

"PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE INSIDE OF THE HOUSE."

It took me a minute to process the warning before pointing it out to my friend, who merely shrugged and rolled her eyes.

"But wait," I said, stopping her, "WHO would ever think to use this INSIDE of a house?"

She sighed, "This is America, my dear, if there is someone who would contemplate such a thing, he or she lives here. Furthermore, our country is so damn lawsuit happy that all manufacturers are compelled to give such warnings lest they be sued by some idiot. Why is this so shocking to you?"

But WHO would contemplate using a commercial strength grill inside of the house?

Needless to say, I am at times so very saturated in my own culture that I forget some of its absurdities. But my friend was right. There are the most ridiculous messages on consumer goods these days that it is stupefying to contemplate.

"DO NOT USE IN THE SHOWER" reads the label on my hairdryer.

"DO NOT MICROWAVE BEFORE REMOVING THE BOX!" my microwave pizza labels says.

And, a recent favorite upon receiving prescription eye drops from my optometrist:

"NOT FOR RECTAL USE."

Well, thank goodness because if these are working so well in my eyes then....

I mean, really?

My new computer that came a month ago: "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE WITHOUT REMOVING PACKAGING!"

Paint thinner: "DO NOT INGEST ACCIDENTALLY."

New dog crate: "NOT MEANT FOR SMALL CHILDREN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!"

I kid you not.

Fellow Americans, take a look around the next time you buy something and behold the warning label which, in most cases, by far exceeds the bit for how to operate said product.

I forget these things because, as I mentioned, they are so commonplace.

You will not, for instance, find a sign in a zoo in Budapest that tells you not to stick your hands in the lion's cage. That's because Hungarians assume you know that doing so might result in your hand being bitten off.

You will not find labels in Australia that warn you that consuming an entire bottle of wine might well lead to you being drunk.

You will not find, while white water rafting in Uganda, any signs that ask you to sign away your first of kin because this might well be a dangerous undertaking that could result in bodily harm.

You will not find in South Africa any label on a common household product like furniture polish telling you not to stick it up your nose.

Finally, in most every other country but ours, you will not find a label on your hairspray telling you that holding it next to an open flame will like cause a combustible reaction leading to severe disfigurement.

Or at least a very bad hair day.

You are expected to figure these things out for yourself.

If not, well, Social Darwinism at work, as they say.

In any case, so concerned by the label on my eye drops telling me not to use them on my ass, I decided to see if the opposite was true.

Seeking out the medicinal aisle at the local supermarket, I grabbed a tube of anti-hemmorhoid cream and furtively surveyed its label.

And there, right there, was this:

"NOT FOR OPTHALMIC USE."

I, for one, want to know these Americans who are confused about their orifices to such a degree.

Or maybe I don't.

I think one might be running for President at the moment.

Off to grill packaged pizza in my bathroom!