Nurturing

Lately, I have come to benefit immensely from the presence of a nurturing friend.

I am going through a rather painful and long process in a personal relationship at the same time as writing a book chapter, making a few rounds of public speaking engagements, and being asked to write two articles for a major magazine on two topics that I don't know much about.

The personal relationship meltdown part, of course, sucks. The others...well, they are challenging.

But now that I seem to have diverted some energy from trying to save a house afire (relationship), it seems I have plenty of time to learn about the pan-European financial crisis. Ditto that on smallish, landlocked Central Asian nations. Further ditto on a quantitative analysis on terrorism trends in an oil-rich African country.

These are things I never had time to think about these past two years and, perhaps, will never need to think about again.

When I got myself into the sort of deep-seated analysis one finds themselves performing after spending a week with one's inquisitive Italian mother and a few or ten bottles of wine, I discovered the new person in the equation.

I have finally gained back a nurturing friend.

Now please understand me here: I love all of my friends deeply. They each add a dimension and a gift to my life that I cannot produce for myself which is why they are my friends. If not I would be a serial killer with killer PowerPoint skills and an appreciation for watercolors.

And although I am fortunate enough to have lots of friends, I only have a handful that I consider the very best friends I have ever had in my life. That will likely continue as most of them have been part of my life for decades if not the entire thing.

But, before a few months ago, I didn't have a nuturer.

My mother, who is certainly one of the best friends I have ever had, is NOT a nurturer by nature.

She will freely admit that the day I learned to speak fluently enough to have a conversation and stopped wetting the bed were the best of her life. (These two things did not occcur in tandem, by the way.)

I remember, being a horribly shy child, wetting the bed for the five thousandth time at age 4 or so and my mother coming in my room.

"OK, it has now been four years of you pissing on the bed. I love you and I understand that you must have some anxiety issues to make you void on furniture regularly. I am willing to take you to a psychiatrist. I am willing to medicate you. Hell, at the moment, I would like to put you in the oven with the convection setting on....but there will be no more of this. If you pee the bed one more time, you are going to do your own sheets or you are going to sleep in pissy ones. It is up to you. Tomorrow, I will show you how the washer and dryer work..."

And she did.

And I never peed the bed again.

(Well, except that one embarrassing incident in college that involved a lot of beer....but that is neither here nor there).

No, my mother is not a cruel person. She has never starved me of love or praise or attention. She just didn't want to do laundry in the middle of the night anymore.

The same can be said of two or three of my other very close friends.

They are endlessly giving of their time, advice, knowledge, and love. But they are not nurturers by nature.

The closest nurturer is my friend Connie, who is also my second mother. She rescued me from the most destructive path I have ever been on in my life when I was in my late teens/early 20s. She made me go back to college, moved me into a house behind her, made sure I learned valuable skills to distract my mind like gardening and cooking, and kicked my ass when I fell out of line.

But she too had a line in the sand when it came to nurturing.

"If you get knocked up and ruin your career---and you will have one, I promise---I will take the baby and put it in an aquarium. I will raise you children like Tarzan and then I will give them back to you when you find the love of your life. Do not get knocked up. Ever."

These were her words to me during my sophomore year of college.

Needless to say, I did not get knocked up.

Another, who I will not mention by name, listens to me intently and then says, "I will write a check for whatever you need. Money is not an object, you can have anything you want. But, if I were you, I would get drunk and go to Tahiti for three weeks, it always works for me!"

Which, admittedly, is a wonderful friend to have.

The final two, both male, say, after listening to me, "Can I kill him/her/them now? Just let me know...I have guns, you know."

But now, finally, I have a friend who looks at me when I finally admit to whatever is bothering me and says, "You need a cookie."

Or, "You need a bag of potato chips and I know that you are disgusting and put hot sauce on everything but I am going to go get you a bag of potato chips and a bottle of hot sauce and I will even eat it with you while you sob uncontrollably."

Or, "Your roots are growing out and your hair, while pretty, needs a touch up. Give me the number of the salon. And yes, I am coming with you."

Or, "Let's go get a pedicure at lunch time. I know it is extravagant but everyone feels better when their toes look good."

Or, "I am coming out with you to drink but I will remain sober while you drink seven glasses of wine and cry uncontrollably and then I will take you home, tuck you into bed, and make sure that when you wake up in the morning, there is both aspirin and water by your bedside. And I will never bring it up again unless you do."

Now this, THIS, is a treasure.

This kind of friend is worth more than all the gold bars in Fort Knox or wherever they keep the stuff these days. This is the kind of friend that you can be your absolute worst around and they do not judge you for it. As a matter of fact, they just fall naturally into the role of dealing with you so that you never consider it's a burden to them.

This is why living is sometimes so good. People like this.

Not that all the other people who want to send you to Tahiti and make you wake up and take control of your own destiny do not play similarly important roles. They absolutely do.

But for me, I need a nurturer in my life. I try as hard as I can to play that role for others but it is of second nature to me. I am more of the personality that will kick you in your ass to get you out of a rut. I am not the cookie-baker although I can nurture.

However, I am a deep appreciator of natural nurturers. And I am so very grateful for this wonderful soul who, just now, text messaged me to let me know that she's watered my office plants that I have been neglecting in my heartache. She also admonished me for letting my office fall into a mess of papers and has cleaned it up.

She also reminded me that we need to book our tickets to Liberia for July and get our September trip started going to Eastern Europe.

She keeps a constant line of contact open with me even though it might be the weekend.  She never fails to step up to whatever I throw at her.

And she makes awesome baked goods that involve sugar cookies and pineapple tarts.

I wish for you all to have a nurturer in your life. I hope most of you do.

It is a rare and under-appreciated gift and I would like to start giving out awards for it.

I love my nurturer.

And no, you cannot have her.