A Traveler's Rant

So this blog once again finds me in Liberia, a country I occasionally find "challenging." After thinking through my issues not only with Liberia but with other locations as well, I figured I would just get this rant off my chest in the form of an open letter. I realize it seems bitchy and ungrateful (and I am certainly not ungrateful in any sense) but since I often come home and "inappropriately misdirect my frustrations at innocents" after a difficult travel experience, I decided to write this down. 


Dear Country X and Her Peoples,

Thank you so much for allowing me to visit you and get to know your amazing culture and citizens. Thank you for opening your hearts and homes to me. I cannot be more thankful.

However, in the interest of full disclosure, I want to get some things off my chest.

1. I know Americans are insane about the whole "being on time" thing and I apologize for that. Frankly, I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. Nevertheless, I must admit that I wanted to carve out your eyeballs with a melon baller yesterday when you showed up to pick  us up for a workshop a full hour and twenty minutes late. Especially when my colleague had food poisoning and was doing everything in her power to keep it together so she could conduct YOUR WORKSHOP FOR YOU. And, on that note...

2. Please CALL ME if you are going to be later than, say, 15-20 minutes. I will be a lot calmer if you call. And when I ask you why you didn't call, please don't tell me your mobile phone was lost under the car seat when I have seen that you are more likely to misplace your penis than your mobile phone. And...

3. If you're going to lie to me to save face, please be creative about it. Please don't tell me that the tire had a slow leak exactly between the hour and twenty minutes you were late. A slow leak is SLOW. It doesn't happen in exactly an hour and twenty minutes. Please at least give me a creative lie like your grandmother was slowly pecked to death by chickens overnight or your roof collapsed killing an armful of newborns. Hell, you can even tell me you suddenly discovered a pencil sharpener in your rectum. Just be creative and try to shock me out of being so pissed off.

4. Do not touch me if I don't know you. I'm sorry, I know Americans are a bit cold like that but we generally hate being suddenly grabbed and hauled over to a shop stand to look at something. We also don't particularly like being touched and grabbed by strangers while walking down the street. We actually don't like being touched by strangers, period. Once I know you, I am happy to give you a hug or accept one. Even a pat on the knee (Read: KNEE) is fine. But if I don't know you? Please keep your hands to yourself.

5. Please stop trying to convert me. Again, I know American secularism seems absolutely heathen to you and you are truly afraid for my soul but, please, let me worry about that. I have politely listened to your entreaties for weeks now and you know how all I do is smile and nod vaguely but refuse to engage you further? It means I am not interested in going further. Me and God? We're all good, you're just going to have to trust me on that one.

6. I know it seems completely normal to you to think it is strange of me not to have children at my "advanced" age, and, worse yet, not to want them. I realize in your culture children are gifts and they are, most times, in mine too. I just don't want one. And screaming at me: "You can do it!!! Please, you must know you can do it!!!" is not going to change my mind. I know I can do it. Hell, I even know HOW to do it. I just am not doing it. Can we let it rest already?

7. While I realize that I have more money than you do and that it is entirely appropriate in many cases to ask me to share, can we just cut to the chase about it? I am OK with sharing when I can but I really, really get uncomfortable and, yes, annoyed, with the elaborate stories that I have to sit through for no less than 30 minutes until we finally get to the asking price. Can we just pick a time to meet, do a quick negotiation, and then I will do what I can? I can't always promise I will have it to give but, if I do, I will give you what I can. Save the elaborate stories for, say, when you're going to be an hour and twenty minutes late, OK?

8. Speaking of that, can we just agree right from the beginning on what you're going to rip me off on? I know it's possible because, quite frankly, my culture does it too. For example, we basically tell foreigners, "We are going to totally ass rape you on things like visas, airplane tickets, hotels, and medical services so just be prepared." Can't you do the same? Can't you pick, oh, I don't know, ten or fifteen items that you are totally going to screw me on and leave it at that? And I mean this for the citizens as well as the government. I am perfectly willing to be extorted, but in trying to extort me each and every day and make me negotiate for everything, you are driving me into the arms of other foreigners when I would really rather be giving the money to YOU.

9. I know this is a long shot but...is there any way you can learn the term "browse?" Americans are really uncomfortable being followed around while shopping. Even worse, we really hate having someone permanently glued to our arm or back while shopping. It makes us nervous. And it makes us less likely to buy something when we get nervous. So, you see, it actually works against you. I know I will probably never be granted this request but it would be such a gift from you to me. Heaven sent by God.

10. Is there any chance we can do anything about the peeing? I realize that it's often impossible to rush to a public facility to take a leak but do you have to do it right in front of me? I'm not squeamish---I pee too, you know---but it's often hard to have a conversation with you when you're peeing. I don't know where to look. I don't know whether to acknowledge the fact that you're peeing or just ignore it. Should I say, "Oh, look, you're peeing right now!  Shall we carry on with this discussion in a moment or two when you've finished?" Or should I just be like, well, this person is peeing now and I am just going to pretend that he/she is not? It's just kind of socially awkward that way, you know?

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to me and I am definitely more happy to have visited your country than to have not but if we can consider any of the items on my list, I know we'd get along a heck of a lot better.

Sincerely,

Patti