Taking Stock

I turned 37 this week and I never thought that age would hurt as badly as it eventually does.

When I was 27 I was so flippant about my life. I think I might have been in Hungary or Romania or somewhere far enough away not to care. Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was in Sub-Saharan Africa or Latin America. Maybe in East Asia. 

But somewhere else. 

The point is that I was never here.

That makes life a lot easier to live. Never being where you are supposed to be makes things a lot easier. Dealing with life in sporadic bursts is more comfortable than dealing with it full-time.

A sickness perhaps? 

I certainly have been accused of that before. It wouldn't be the first time. 

So tonight I realized that the man I spent over 10 years with married someone else. The man who was as addictive sexually as crack just got married. My best friend from high school has a baby. My college English professor is dead.

How did this all happen?

And then where am I in the world?

Let's see.

I live in Bowie, Maryland with a gay male married couple. One is a former Vatican priest and the other is a rocket scientist who put the Hubble telescope in the stars, no shit. I am in love with a man from a neighborhood I wouldn't ever have considered visiting when I lived in Philadelphia but who has so completely loved me that I cannot imagine someone else doing the same job. I still have my best friends. I still live and breathe every day. 

I have felt love and generosity from people who have nothing to give but manage to be generous and loving, all the same.

I cannot wait to dice an onion. I cannot wait to plant another flower. I cannot wait to pet my dog.

I cannot wait to hold my mother, cannot wait to touch my boyfriend's smooth arm, see my best friend's blue eyes. 

Wow. Taking inventory is a useful exercise. 

Of course, I will be in Thailand in three months. But it was worthwhile to remember why I am here too.