Gay Giraffes

Note: This is one of several essays written but not posted before I left Uganda at the end of January. I have decided to post them now. Comments welcome, as always.

"So, Boss, tell me what you think of these homos," Robert said, as we were driving home on Thursday.

I was slightly taken off-guard but then realized he was speaking about the extremely controversial proposed legislation in Uganda that criminalizes homosexuality. It also makes it punishable...by death.

There has been a massive international uproar about this piece of legislation, with many countries, including the U.S., threatening to cut off aid to Uganda should it pass this draconian law. Not only is a pretty fundamental attack on human rights, but it also sets up plenty of room for political and financially-motivated blackmail.

You owe someone money? You're gay.

You thinking of running for a political position against the ruling party? You're gay.

You a spurned lover? You're gay.

And off to the the firing squad with you...

Many outsiders are just generally shocked about this overall, as Uganda is a fairly progressive African nation, but it does have its roots in a fairly intolerant form of Christan fundamentalism.

And, of course, some of these fundamentalists and these viewpoints were exported from the homeland of yours truly, the good old USA. Frankly, the whole thing makes me sick but I keep my mouth shut.

However, this brings up the oddest thing about it, personally. Because I serve as a legal advisor to the government, and assist in the drafting of legislation, people somehow have gotten the impression that I had something to do with this...which might be the most absurd thing of it all.

"Are you asking me my opinion on the legislation or are you asking me my opinion on homosexuality, in general?" I tried to clarify with Robert.

"Both," he told me.

I took a deep breath as, thus far, I have carefully managed to avoid getting involved in this whole debate with anyone. It's not that I am not of the opinion that this law is a horrendous step backward for Uganda as a whole, as well as just a medieval attack on human rights, it's that, in my role here, I have to be diplomatic...a skill set that doesn't always come easily for me.

I also can see both sides of the picture (not on the law, of course) and understand why the Government of Uganda gets pissed off when the international community threatens them at every step when the country does something that is deemed inappropriate. Again, I totally oppose the law but I have seen other instances when Uganda was the subject of threats and finger-wagging that were totally inappropriate. This is a sovereign country, after all.

But this was Robert and I can talk to him about anything so I took a deep breath and told him my feelings. The fact that I thought it was a gross violation of human rights, a possible political tool, and, overall, just a really backward way of thinking.

I expected him to argue with me, as he is of the born-again Christian persuasion, but he shocked me.

"I agree with you. No one should be taking any one's life except God. And how would you actually know if someone was a homo? I don't agree with homosexuality but what man has the right to judge another man before the eyes of God?" he said.

Then:

"Besides, I have never seen a homo in my entire life and I am 28 years old! Who are these homos and where do they live? Have you ever seen a homo?" he asked.

I went on to explain that homosexuals are NOT some exotic breed of pet that one only finds in a far-off magical land. There are homosexuals in every country in the world.

"Well, I KNOW there are homos in Sweden and France, but in America too?" he asked me, surprised.

(Mind you, I have no idea why Sweden and France had been singled out in his mind as where the majority of homosexuals live but there it was...)

"Yes, Robert. There are plenty of individuals who are gay in America. Many of our celebrities, political officials, and just every day people are gay. It is not unusual," I told him.

I then went on to tell him about the same-sex marriage debate (he obviously is not in favor) in the U.S., some of the origins of the whole "homosexuality is a sin against God" debate (he's of mixed opinion on that one), and listed off some celebrities he might know who are gay.

I ran through as many confirmed names I could think of before happening on one that we both recognized: Ellen DeGeneres.

"The Ellen Show" airs in Uganda every afternoon at around 6pm and many Kampalans are familiar with it.

Personally, I love Ellen DeGeneres as I find her funny as hell and she saved many a boring evening for me in Kampala when I finally broke down and got satellite television. I would race home from work every day to watch her and, in general, she gave me a dose of good vibes along with the needed cache of American humor I so sorely missed.

Robert liked Ellen because she was blonde and pretty, did funny things on TV that Ugandan women would not do, and she was easy to understand and relate to...pretty much the same reasons I liked her.

So when I told Robert that Ellen was gay, he slammed on the brakes so quickly that we both nearly went through the glass into our favorite morning breakfast stand.

"Madame Boss, you know I think you are very smart and you are wise about the world. But there is NO WAY Miss Ellen is gay!!! She is a woman!!!" he said.

"Women can be gay too, Robert," I quietly related.

"But HOW? They don't have, well, they just don't have..." he was searching for something both eloquent and polite..."they just don't have the right parts to be gay!"

I assured him that, in most cases, it wasn't about the parts.

He wasn't buying it. Not in the least.

So the next day I invited him over to watch the Ellen show with me...one of our favorite activities...and then I got online and Googled Ellen's TV blog as well as her biography where she explicitly states, in no uncertain terms, that she is both gay and married...to a woman.

A beautiful woman.

Robert was stunned.

"But HOW?" he asked.

I thought of telling him that, if he were an American male, he would be totally into the fact that two hot blonde women were in an intimate relationship but quickly thought better of it.

Uganda is a good country, no need to visit the whole "Sodom and Gomorrah/Girls Gone Wild" shit on them just yet.

"I'm not sure how, really, Robert," I said. "But Ellen is gay. Do you still like her?"

He dropped the subject. This is something he does when he wants to think things over before committing to any one particular opinion.

I love this about him, by the way, as it makes him both a shrewd judge of character and an honest friend.

It took a few days but finally he returned with his verdict.

"I don't care if Ellen is a homo," he told me. "I don't agree with it and I do think it is against God's law but Ellen is a good person and she gives a lot of money and love to people who don't have any. She also makes everyone feel good and I like her program. If she is a homo, then God must have put her here for a reason. I definitely wouldn't kill her," he finished.

Thank God.

Robert spared Ellen.

Later, I showed him a picture of my good friend Melody, who was considering a visit in a few months.

Melody's blonde.

"Uh-oh, Boss, I don't know about this one. Is she a homo too? How will we entertain her here?"

"Robert, the fact that Ellen and her lover are blondes does NOT mean that all blondes are homos...it is just a coincidence..." I laughed.

He didn't look like he was buying any of what I was selling.

"Do homos like giraffes? We could go to Murchison National Park for the weekend....they have plenty of giraffes again..." he volunteered.

I thought about it for a minute and said:

"You know what, Robert? That's a brilliant idea! Melody is not a homo but she likes giraffes...let's go there!"

Satisfied, he said:

"That's a stupid law that this government is trying to pass...we have so much more to offer the homos...like our giraffes! Who needs to put anyone to death when God has it all in His plan?"

I agree completely. Giraffes are a good solution.