Picking and Flashing: Uganda Style

I have always been extremely susceptible to being infected by the little cultural and linguistic habits that come with a new country. Try as I might, if I find myself somewhere for more than a week or two, you can be certain that I have picked up some odd affectation that is not my own.

When I was in the country of Georgia a couple of years ago for nearly three weeks, I barely noticed that I had acquired the Georgian habit of making sounds to convey an entire range of thoughts and emotions. Someone would tell me about something unfortunate, and I would click my tongue on the roof of my mouth; when I was unhappy, I would cluck; when I was excited, I would chirp, and, the worst, if I was bored, I would make bizarre little farting-like noises with my lips.

This went on and on until one day, a week or two after I had returned home, my friend David said to me, "Can you tell me why you're speaking 'squirrel' these days, please?" "All that buzzing, beeping, clucking and chirping...I feel like I am with someone who went to Georgia and acquired a form of Autism or Turret's Syndrome...Oh, and that really weird digestive sound you kept making with your lips in the staff meeting yesterday when the boss was speaking? THAT is just gross."

I was shocked. I hadn't even realized I was doing it.

Me, the second most senior staff member sitting in a meeting making farting noises at the boss with my mouth! Now that little habit had to go...

Or, after two months in Southeast Asia where it is considered OK to get someone's attention by hissing at them...I found out that I had picked that one up too.

Again, I didn't notice I was doing it until another friend, usually very amused by my odd new affectations, said over a beer one night, "Can you please stop hissing at me and other people like some fucking feral cat, please? That is considered very rude here, Patti. REMEMBER? You are from HERE...we don't hiss at people!"

Shit. I'd gone from making farting noises at people to hissing at them...what a glorious social path I was on...

Or, after a combination of Southeast Asia and the near-Middle East, the bowing habit.

I bowed to everyone...friends, family, the bank teller, random strangers walking their dogs, I bowed and bowed. The odd thing about this particular habit is that people actually sometimes bowed back...reinforcing it.

Finally, the guy I was dating at the time said, "Stop the goddamn bowing all the time! It makes me feel, I don't know, racist or misogynist or something."

"But, if you want to curtsy every now and then..."

I punched him in the arm and stopped bowing to people forever after.

I managed to hold out in Uganda for almost four months but there are certain things I have noticed have snuck into my repertoire unannounced. Some of them are necessary---because Ugandans speak a unique form of English and if you don't adopt some of these words or phrases you will NOT be understood---but others are just plain oddities that I cannot explain.

For example, the question "How are you?" is a greeting that one is not expected to answer with an actual update about one's physical or emotional well-being, but you can say just about anything you like.

"How are you?"

"The price of goat sure has gone up, hasn't it?"

"How are you?'

"I like chips but prefer rice."

Like that...

And, this is very British, Ugandans leave off verbs all the time.

For example, you are 'picked' and 'dropped' with no 'up' or 'off' in there anywhere.

"Goodbye" is "OK, please."

If you have a question or a concern that a Ugandan doesn't feel like addressing at the moment, they will say, "I am coming!" to indicate they will address it later...or maybe never. Same thing if you are on the phone with someone and would like them to do something and want to discuss it beforehand, the person will say, "Let me come first!!" And slam down the phone. Whether they actually come or not, well, that's debatable.

Attributes normally only used to describe human behavior and emotions are liberally applied across the board, even to cars and appliances. "The toaster is stubborn this morning." "The car is so lazy today!" "The ATM is in a good mood!" "The new refrigerator is very picky!"

Or, when you're looking for someone, and get the response, "They are within," it could mean that they are within the building, within the city, or even within the country. It's just so hard to really know...

If you have been gone on holiday or vacation for any length of time, people will greet you with, "You have been so lost!" to which you are supposed to respond, "Yes, but now I am found!"

You preface almost everything with "me."

"Me, I am hungry right now." or "Me, I am from the United States."

You sometimes don't drive, you "motor around."

Time and distance are indicated by how often a word is repeated. You are "near-near" or "far-far." Something will happen "soon-soon," or "later-later."

"You're welcome" means literally that: you are welcome (to a home, restaurant, store, whatever), it is not used as a response to "Thank you" (the proper response to that is, "Thank you too!")

You hold hands with someone after shaking for a good five minutes if not the length of the entire conversation.

Ugandans make the sound, "eh, eh, eh" as their version of "tsk, tsk, tsk." The more "ehs," the bigger the problem. However, you always put an "eh?" at the end of a sentence as a sort of vocal question mark since intonation does not really exist here so it is hard to know whether someone is making a statement or asking a question sometimes unless it is qualified with an "eh."

If you are actively listening and/or agreeing with someone who is speaking, you make one long, "mmmmmmm" sound at regular intervals.

Finally, because no one ever has enough air time on the phones, you "flash someone" instead of calling them (which means you only let the phone ring once just so they can see your number) in an effort to get them to call you back so you don't have to waste your valuable minutes.

Thus, my morning phone conversations with Robert go like this:

Me: "Good morning, Robert, how are you?"

Robert: "Chicken and potatoes."

Me: "Ah, Rebeca made that for dinner again, that's one of my favorites!" "Oh, and Robert, are you running late? Are you near?"

Robert: "I am near!"

Me: "Near-near or just near?"

Robert: "Not near-near but not far-far."

Me: "Robert, you know I have a meeting in 20 minutes, this is not cool, why are you late? Can you please come soon-soon?"

Robert: "First let me come!! I promise I am coming to pick you, Madame Boss. The car was cranky this morning, but first let me come soon-soon!! I will flash you as soon as I get there!!"

Like that.

Normal daily interaction.

Because most of the foreigners I hang out with have all been here for a long time, no one corrects or even remarks on the fact that we all speak like this these days, even to each other.

So once again, I don't even notice what I have acquired until I speak to someone on the "outside."

Even Scott, after almost seven months of talking to me while I have been here, doesn't seem to notice anymore or, occasionally, uses some of these phrases himself.

It was when I was talking to my brother last night on Skype about making arrangements for transportation from the airport to my mother's house when I get home in June, that I realized how bad it had really gotten.

"Bill, can you pick me at the airport on June 10? I know the traffic is bad so don't worry about parking, just motor around near-near for a little while and when I flash you, come pick me then, eh?"

My brother was silent for a few seconds.

Then:

"Are you drunk? What the HELL did you just say to me?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"'I am supposed to 'motor around near-near' until you 'flash me' and then I can come 'pick you'?!!" "What the hell is happening to you out there? My sister is now speaking like some fucking British-African hillbilly!"

Well, I guess it is true although I don't think it's THAT bad.

And I tend to like some of it. I like that I can throw out a random, "Bananas Foster" or "Urinary catheter!" to someone who asks me how I am and not get a strange look. I like that I can bestow upon my electrical equipment a whole range of emotions, it makes them more personal and friendly to me. And, quite frankly, I find endless amusement in being 'flashed.'

I know that I am going to have to seriously clean up my act before ever moving back to the U.S. I hope to work again in politics and I just know that my new vocabulary and all of this linguistic strangeness is NOT going to go over well.

"Me, I am agreeing with that piece of legislation! Let's pass it soon, soon!"

Nah, not going to work.

Still, I am enjoying it while I can. It perhaps doesn't have the perverse satisfaction of hissing at someone or making farting noises with my lips...but, it's something...Eh?