Musing from America: Credit Crisis

Tomorrow I return to Uganda after two full weeks in the U.S.

It has been an odd return to the homeland.

The first thing I noticed was the bizarre way the global financial meltdown has affected Americans. Because we're Americans, and refuse defeat in any form, people have adopted some odd spending habits that I bore witness to in JC Penny a day before Christmas as I was picking up some last-minute items.

I was standing in line, waiting to check out, while the two women in front of me did the "credit card shuffle."

They had about three dozen items stacked at the register and when it came time to pay, they ran one credit card after the other through the machine. "Well, they have caught up with me on that one," the woman said, "Let's try this one!" And again, and again...until one worked.

I saw the same scene repeated, about four more times, over the course of last week. It made my heart sink.

In the liquor store, Christmas morning, the burly guy in front of me, having had two credit cards rejected until one went through, turned to me apologetically and said, "I know this looks awful but I promised my daughter-in-law that I would bring the beer and some chips and I'm just a little cash-poor right now...the economy sucks right now and they have raised my interest rates on my credit cards so high now that I can't even begin to pay them back..."

I looked at the wad of cash in my own hand as well as the myriad credit cards in my wallet and felt awful. Not about the cash...if there is one good thing that Uganda has taught me, I don't pay for anything except in cash. You can't in Uganda...it is a cash economy. So when I returned home I just kept paying in cash...I never even considered my credit cards because they have become decorations, for the most part, to me in Africa because they can't buy you shit there...

But, last Thursday, I remembered my credit cards and the scenes of the past week and decided to check in on all of my accounts.

My mother has faithfully been paying all of my credit cards down from my checking account since I have been away and, because she is so thorough and I have no cause to use credit cards in Uganda, I had forgotten about them.

Upon checking in, I realized that my interest rates had gone up by several (and, in one case, TEN) points since I had left two months ago. No reason, no missed payments, just inexplicable "rate increases." I called immediately.

No one seemed to be able to explain it and, as frustrated as I was, I realized that screaming at someone in Bangalore was not going to get me too far.

So I tried a different tactic.

I decided, given this odd new "rate increase" for no clear reason, to start an accelerated program of paying my credit cards off.

I called the two banks, Chase and Bank of America, who hold my highest debt and asked how, since it was not apparent on the website, I could increase my monthly recurring payments?

"You cannot," the woman cheerfully reported to me from the Indian subcontinent. "We don't allow you to do this online anymore...but I can direct you to a credit counselor."

"No," I insisted, figuring she had heard me wrong, "I don't want to avoid my credit card payment, I just want to increase it...now, how do I go about doing that?"

"You cannot," she declared. "We no longer offer that service."

WHAT THE HELL??!!

"What you need to do," she continued, "is go to a local Chase branch with two forms of ID and fill out paperwork that authorizes us to increase your payment and then fax it back to us with a notarized signature and then we can do that for you...should be about six weeks...maximum."

I made myself a screwdriver, double shot of vodka.

"Look," I said, "I live in sub-Saharan Africa, I don't have a local Chase branch around me, certainly not a notary, and I just want to know how I can INCREASE my monthly payments and pay this credit card off so I don't have to pay this ridiculous interest rate...now TELL ME HOW TO DO IT!!!"

She repeated the above and I downed my drink in two swallows before slamming down the phone.

Next up: Bank of America.

The woman on the other line, this time, was an actual American (and, please, I am NOT racist, sexist, or any of the above...but it is nice to talk to a REAL native when you feel like you are in the Twilight Zone) and she said about the same as the Chase folks.

By this time I was beside myself, despite the screwdriver, and begged for mercy.

"Please, I am not joking...I really and truly want to pay off this credit card, I am not trying to avoid payments, I cannot go to any "local" branches, I really do live in Africa, I have plenty of government-issued identification cards so you can check me out to know that I am serious...I just want to pay you...WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST.... WHY CAN'T I PAY YOU MORE MONEY???!!!"

Janice, the woman on the other end, was refreshingly blunt.

"Sweetheart, I believe you...I know you live in Africa from your recent credit history and you have always paid your bills on time and I really want to help you but you simply cannot increase your payments online anymore...."

"Why??!" I asked.

"There has been too much credit card fraud over the internet lately so we stopped offering any new services and, also, you might just want to maintain your monthly minimum payments for the time being...you never know in this economy..."

I was about to launch into one of my "Are you crazy?! I want to pay you off!" routines when the reality sunk in.

I made another screwdriver.

"You are making it difficult for people to pay off their credit card debt because it seems like a better gamble to keep charging them ridiculous interest rates to make you more attractive to government salvation schemes and the gamble that once the economy turns around again...I will owe you a lot more money because you are making it difficult for me to pay now....right?"

Janice, a good American, sighed.

"Not that bad...really, but you're close."

"OK," I said, vodka helping..."So what do I do? I cannot go to any 'local' branches and I cannot find an American-approved notary in Kampala...what do I do?!"

Janice, and Bank of America, had a solution.

"I can transfer your call to another line and, after you pay $13.95, you can gain online access to increase your monthly payments."

I was stunned.

"So I have to pay fourteen dollars to make a phone call so I can gain access to an account that I want to increase payments on....you're punishing me for wanting to PAY MORE?" I asked.

Yep, pretty much.

So I did.

I spent $14 to increase my monthly payment on my Bank of America credit card.

And, now, finally, I completely understand what those two women and that one burly dude were talking about last week over Christmas as they did the "credit card shuffle."

I told my mother and Scott about this after I got off the phone....I was still stunned (albeit sedated after two screwdrivers) and they both said the same: "These are hard times...I remember when my father/grandfather used to hide his money under the mattress...those old folks had some wisdom."

Weird being home.